Edge Of Nowhere, Half Past Never. ch17

17 Recovery

I was back the next morning. Or was it way past midday? Or the next next day? I saw my team fully active, playing cards as normal already. Must have been quite late. Longing with bulky collar still sat on the couch, staring at me emptily. He was waiting for somebody to return. They never showed. Instead I came back. He wished that I haven’t. He wanted his friend back instead. I wish I hadn’t returned either. Ever. To anywhere.

Solitude was popping a vein of irritation nearby from having to listen to his loyal companion. Was that even him? The style was unrecognisable. Leather belts on his slim torso instead of a long-sleeved size-too-big abomination. I only assumed that was him because of the Overly Nice Guy next to him. He put his arms around his ward and Flashy didn’t shake them off. Couple shared a slobbery kiss.

My eyes moved on. Scanned over the gym once. Blonde’s ranks seemed lacking. How many of his groupies got sold off? Crazed Smile was there too, looking at me. I was too empty to react in any way to that anymore. I gave everything I had last night.

Looked back at the team again. Most were playing cards like nothing ever happened. We had guests. Two from before. Brat was staring, ready to jump up anytime if need be. I looked relatively alright today – clothed, not dripping absurd amount of blood- so it didn’t sound any immediate alarms. Walked towards them, sat down.

No one said a thing. For a while. Brat was becoming restless by the second, though. "Hey, you okay?"

I wasn’t there to answer. Took a deep breath and answered a question no one tangible has asked. I said, “This is how I imagine hell to be. Sitting in a nice wide lobby, waiting ‘til you’re called up and told which circle you are about to end up in.” My brain was packed with drugs and it wasn’t cooperating. With others or even me.

“Oy,” Brat frowned, unsure where that came from and unable to comment.

“Then you are tortured by the devils that are you yourself. Or your past deeds. Or something of the sort.”

“Frizzy, cut it out.”

I looked at kid’s eyes as if he’s been actively participating in my monologue. “Why else are there so many copies? There’s no one who can shred you to pieces better than yourself.”

“Is he high?” Brat inquired looking back.

“Sounds like it,” Skin Over The Bones yawned. He just woke up. “He did take a ton.”

“He swallowed just three. Lethargy counted. Effect would have long since waded out. They fed him few of their own, apparently,” Elite’s Elite explained. He slurred a little. Jaw seemed sore and swollen. Kid must have thanked him for hitting me yesterday. I giggled to my thoughts and rest looked at me suspiciously.

“Padre, exorcise the devil already. He’s giving me the creeps,” Scarecrow complained.

Military Man dismissed the suggestion hastily. “Denied. If you let that sea of misery near your boy, we’ll have two doom preachers walking around.”

“In Darkness we trust,” humourless guest of the cloth exclaimed.

“No. Just no,” our Perfect elite interrupted the sermon. “I’d really love to avoid having any more gloom in this team. As if painslut, suicidal and a cripple weren’t enough!”

“Oh, the terrible burdens of a perfect Longing!” Reed shouted out theatrically and then added, “You forgot a sick sadist.”

“You can’t escape…” Priest started saying and the tense Longing forcefully shut the speaker’s jaw.

“Behave, please,” allied elite asked politely. No one in their right mind would have went against anyone speaking in that calm alarming manner. Ah. So that was the reason Grave Digger was always so silent. He glared which made his gloomy face even grimmer. Nodded. His face was freed.

I was anxiously digging around in my sleeve throughout the chat. Brat was staring without blinking, observing my every shaky move. He saw I was stressed, but didn’t push me. Looked at him, considering few things. Well, if there was anyone I could ask for favours, it was him.

“I need your help with something,” I said eventually and rolled up the sleeve. “I can’t seem to pry them open with just one hand.” The skin was fitted with thick rings throughout its length. Brat tried one. It didn’t even bend, much less open. He inspected it more closely and found the burn marks on the skin as well as uneven bumps on the metal.

“I… think it’s best to leave it be,” miniature Longing suggested carefully.

“Get. Them. Off.”

“Just do it, shrimp. Or are you too weak to even undo a piercing?” Scarecrow teased him. Brat was not amused.

“It’s welded together,” kid glared. I looked away from the party, remembering that I knew the verdict long since. Put a finger through one of the chain-like links and toyed with it despite the burning sensation.

“What?”

“What I said. Forever links. Somebody didn’t intend those to be removed.” Which also meant I’ll see those two privately again.

“On an arm? That’s dumb.” Indeed. Unreliable constraints if I was willing to risk series of small wounds. The trick was to link together more than just arms. I had these nasty crawlies all over my body. The only way to get rid of them was to rip them out. All jillion of them. Some were purposefully inserted around arteries and bones. Needless to say, I was stuck with them, just as I was with the mandatory left manacle.

They say there is a low point in life after which things can only start to get better. I didn’t know where such point was. Did it even exist for dolls that breathed no life anyway? I saw Priest looking at me, for the first time without contempt. He was grinning with half of mouth. Another smartass with mindreading skills? Well I was reading his, too. And I wasn’t planning to join that cult of his. Even if the philosophy kind of matched mine anyway.

“Allow me try,” allied Elite offered.

“No need.” I already knew it wasn’t going to happen. Loops weren’t even big enough to comfortably fit two fingers. Nails definitely won’t do the trick. Besides, thought of someone else touching me made my skin crawl. I got up, “Want to be alone.” That was my delicate way of telling them to fuck off and not follow me. They took the hint.

I showered, even though that was unnecessary. Crazy couple washed and disinfected my whole body thoroughly. Thoroughly. They were intent on bodymod being success. I still needed to scrub off their touch, though. Wished there was hot water, so I could burn it off along with the skin.

Looked at myself in the mirroring wall. I was an abomination. This time for sure. Every few centimetres were metal hoops and loops. They made intricate strings on the legs, hands, back and front. Six were on the back of my head hidden by the hair. Two in each ear, inner parts. In the gristle, so I wouldn’t be as keen on pulling those out. At least if I wanted to keep my ears on. As much as I hated it, every slightest touch hurt and I wanted to leave it be already. Ripped couple of those out from the arms and all it did was prove I was too weak to torture myself in the name of freedom.

The few minutes in the main hall unsettled me. I realised I hated being around people now. Couldn’t stand them. Dressed up, sat on the counter and enjoyed the silence. It was so empty here most of the time. And cool. I felt fever gripping me and it was nice to finally relax. I let my guard down too much. Recalled an unexpected flashback and shivered, borderline spilling whatever my stomach conjured up. I haven’t eaten in days… nothing solid anyway. Shit. Perhaps I did need to throw up. Another shudder of disgust washed over me and I threw up whatever slimy liquid I could summon. Then again.

“Is the baby mine?” Someone asked humouredly. I raised my head from the crapper without much alertness, fully expecting to see jokester Scarecrow. But… Who the fuck was this? Judging from the sneaking techniques and the weird belt straps... Ghostwalker, probably. His new attitude already annoyed hell out of me.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said wiping my mouth. “You’d be the one carrying it,” I acknowledged his joke and man smiled. That gave my stomach another tug. Never wanted to see a happy Longing again in my life. Spilled it out, coughed. Somebody annoying was still in the corner of my vision. Turned my face away from the bowl full of unspeakable acidic stench to stare at him staring at me. Got up, washed my mouth and turned back at the silent guy. Asked grudgingly, “Need something?” Oh, I bet he was merely enjoying the sight. I would. The bastard who slighted him. Serves me right. 

He didn’t answer. I waited for a second more. The atmosphere was heavy and uncomfortable. I wasn’t going to find peace here anymore. “Wait,” he said as I turned to leave.

“If you can’t find the right words to rub this in my face, don’t bother. A lot of things have already been mashed into it quite literally, I wouldn’t care anymore.”

Another pause. This was becoming more annoying than uncomfortable. “No,” man whispered eventually. “It’s true, I can’t find the right words, but not for that.”

“Well get your shit together, Delicate Mountain Flower, I’m not going to wait forever.”

“I… Know. I know you won’t. That’s why I don’t know what to say exactly.” My irritation grew into anger. He saw that and finally spilled the beans, “I’m sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could do something to help.”

What the fuck was he saying? “Yeah… You helped me plenty to get here,” I snapped at the wrong person, laughed and was completely happy about it. Stress was flowing out of my body. “What, you returned to push me even deeper into this pile?”

“I’m sorry,” man said completely absorbed with his bare feet. “It’s my fault. If I haven’t provoked you, you would be safe and sound right now. I’m also sorry I’m too weak and useless to even get you out of this situation. And also for…”

“Shut up,” I cut him off and Solitary fell silent. As delicate as always, regardless of his peacock looks. “None of that is your fault.” He raised the eyes which unexpectedly blossomed with hope. Soon turned into suspicious scepticism, though. Didn’t believe his ears. Waited for confirmation. “It’s not. No one forced me to do anything. I fucked you because…” Because I wanted him. Because he was there when I needed him. Because his untouched skin felt soft and craving. Because he was way more frail than me. Words stuck in my throat, I hiccupped. Couldn’t say any of it. Still needed to lie through my teeth and hang onto the cover story. Looked for a way out. “… ‘Cause I felt like it.”

“Then… Can we…” He carefully reached out towards me and I slapped his hand away without a slightest delay. Man froze up again.

I began shaking uncontrollably and muttering. “… Filthy…” was one of the words I managed to make out. I got an impulse to throw up, gagged couple of times but only drooled in the sink. Slumped on the ground, curled up.

“… You’re right.” His arms insecurely went up to hug himself and Solitary started babbling, “After I… With all of those… No wonder you…”What was that idiot thinking this time? Well… To his defence I did get revolted by his touch.

“Stop it!” I shouted at him desperately. “I’m the one that’s foul. You had fun with couple of guys? Big fucking deal!” I shut up. Dumbass. To him it wasn’t. He did that out of spite. As always, I was being complete asshole when it concerned him. Not only did I shout at Silent now, I belittled his inclination to withdraw, slapped him off in rejection and made feel disgusting. “Sorry,” I said, realising how little an apology does. I didn’t know how to even start making up for all of it. And all of the things I didn’t mean to say before.

Solitude was hesitating again. More apologies? Assurances? Understanding? I was anxious to hear what he’d say, too. Hoped he wouldn’t just storm out angry, giving me big fat fuck you. Not when we were talking once again. Darkness, anything but that. I wanted to spend a little longer with him. Just a little more. That’s all I’m asking.

Solitary got down on the floor to the same eye level but made no effort to get any closer. He was afraid. I had a nasty habit of rejecting him. Solitude normally wouldn’t even dare to initiate the contact. And I shot that down so ruthlessly. We looked at each other, both unsure about anything. Too much was said. Things have happened. I know I hurt him. I know he cared enough to show up in front of me again, and still does.

He started quietly, “I don’t know if you care about any of it at all, but I want you to know. So just listen, okay? At first… I just wanted to make you jealous. Foolishly tried to make you seek me out. Or merely think of me. Even if it was just a longing glance once in a while… You never came for me. Then I started messing around seriously. To forget you. It didn’t work as expected. The longer it went on, the emptier I felt. And then I started to understand what you must have felt all along. Now, with Pursuer I know what it means to be trapped with somebody I don’t give two shits about. I was really… A spoilt child.” He grinned sadly as if recalling the carefree years in kindergarten. “I guess… What I’m trying to say, is that I get it. I finally understand what’s happening with you, with them, between us and behind these walls. And it rips me to pieces seeing you like this. More than personally being in a shithole.”

Ghostly knelt down and lowered his head to the ground, his forehead almost brushing against the tip of my shoe. Almost. He must have wanted to sit beside me, properly touch me. Embrace even. Instead, chose something that wouldn’t have rubbed me the wrong way. He looked… so pure and beautiful. Instead of actually being with me, he was fine just being. Anywhere. As long as it was in my sight. On top of his words… It made me happy. So happy that I felt tears stream down my cheeks. He was always there when I needed him. With exactly the right words. I was so unworthy of receiving such devotion.

“Mirage,” I reached out to caress his hair and couldn’t. It felt like I’d be dripping radioactive black matter onto a rainbow, corrupting it. “My Mirage,” I merely whispered instead.

“Yours,” he confirmed and the warm aftertaste seeped deep into something broken inside me. I settled my hands and chin on the knees and just watched him fondly. “You’re crying?” he asked surprised.

Shook my head. I just felt like a person again. “I’m sorry I caused you grief. I… never wanted to hurt you. Had to push you away, before they figured out who you were. Least I wanted was to see you put through the trademark Longing torture…” Covered the eyes with palm, wrapping the mind around an idea that all the effort was for nothing. With casualties. I was an idiot to succumb to his provocations. My half-assed dedication made it all only worse. Should have just crushed him straight on again. Like a snail. And never looked back. It was a quick way to become a full-fledged detached aggression-machine that was Longing. “You retard. Why? Why would you come back to cling to me? This can only end badly.”

He shrugged, “I guess I learned nothing in the end. I am still just a spoiled brat that takes unnecessary risks. Sometimes you felt… You looked…” Solitude shook his head and changed tactics, accusing me instead, “If you didn’t want it you shouldn’t have looked at me with those sorrowful eyes of yours, begging me to come running to you!” I must admit. The weak man that I was I did crave for him on more than one occasion. What are we going to do? Situation was still the same. Worse, really.

“Nothing changed. You must forget any of this happened.” I stared down at the man at my feet. I spoke and didn’t want to even consider it myself. I wanted this moment to freeze in time. I tried to carve it deep into my brain so I could bear another day in the torture chamber. 

He raised his eyes. “Everything changed. You are okay now. That’s all that matters.”

Sighed. Sweet. But so dangerously short-sighted. Was this guy really Longing? Was he really longing for the right things? Sounded more like another danger fiend. “You’re pulling me out of the pit so I can be plunged even deeper next time? Imagine how I’d feel if they do this to you. Because of me.”

Solitary shook the head. “I’ll behave. I just needed to make sure you won’t sink any lower. I need you, my Light.” His expression stiffened and Mirage said, “I promise I’ll make it all better. So please, promise me you’ll hang on.” His eyes had determination in them. What the hell was this reckless idiot up to?

“What are you…”

“Promise me.”

I nodded reservedly, “I will not give in. As long as you don’t take dumb risks.” It was clear as day he wasn’t going to tell me damn thing. He never did. Was some coup d’état on his mind? Oh, hell no. Handling the temperamental Longings were impossible. Not for this timid peacock. “Why don’t you just join brat’s team? Maybe I could convince him it’s over between us and you’re with Nice Guy now anyway…”

“What then? They’re about to lose their elite. No supplies, no team.”

“So what are you…” He wasn’t going to tell. Solitary got even more comfortable at my feet, laying down and curling up. I got used to seeing him up close again. Desire to touch his head didn’t subside. It was laid out there as an offering. Tempting.

“I missed you,” I whispered as we sat there completely still. No one has even been interrupting us, either. I had all this time with him to myself.

“Me too.”

I was afraid to speak. I’d just end up ruining this patched moment as I always did. Before I knew, I relaxed enough to dose off. Woke up from an easy shake by the shoulder. Opened my eyes. It was the brat. I looked around panicky.

“It’s alright. You just fell asleep.”

“Did you see anyone?” I asked before thinking.

“No. You were lucky. What the hell came over you to sleep in a place like this?” So they didn’t meet. I guess I was fortunate. Solitude had that uncanny ability to evade people. Or… There was another explanation that made way more sense. I just dreamt it. I fell asleep and saw whatever I wanted to see. Deep sadness suddenly gripped me and a bitter clot stuck in the throat. There was nothing to prove he was here. My hands were empty. My skin didn’t even recall anyone’s touch. Should have reached out, after all. At least in the fantasy.

I took a moment to calm down. Welcome back to reality where convenient things just didn’t happen. Took a deep breath. Oh, well. That means my secret is safe, especially from him. And, even if the meeting didn’t take place in material world, Ghostly still showed up to me when I needed him.

Dear Darkness, thank you for being too busy with someone else today to withhold such vision from me. It… must have been the first time when I saw such a pleasant dream.

“Oy, snap out of it,” brat shook me again. I shivered and backed away to the side to escape his hand. He allowed it to drop with a weird look in eyes and a crooked eyebrow.

“Don’t touch me,” I said silently but firmly and Tiny didn’t get angry with me. After eying me, he finally decided on the action plan. Instead of backing off as I asked, he pulled my knees away from the chest and took his trademark position, straddling and staring straight at me mere centimetres away. As I tried to push him off, brat slammed his arms behind me and gripped firmly onto something. Now I felt trapped too. Stopped squirming and retreated the only way I could anymore - slumped down.

He would often annoy people by being so palsy-walsy. Most of the time his in-the-face baldness and touches didn’t even have sexual innuendos. At least not to the receivers. I knew he didn’t mean to cause me discomfort or reminders. Merely didn’t want me to exclude him like I did rest of the world. Still, it irked me. On more than one level.

“I’m just a brat, right?” He tried to convince me with his big round eyes that it was alright for him to intrude in all ways possible.

“It’s been… a very long time since I last saw you as a kid,” I said, covering my eyes. Regardless, he was just a brat. I couldn’t bear to look at the reminder of my cowardice anymore. What was all that for? I didn’t escape damn thing getting involved with him. With that realisation I felt another part of me die.

“That’s… Can’t describe how happy that makes me,” he said stammering. Brat misunderstood… Words can’t describe how disgusting that made me feel. He recovered quickly, “Still. You need not be wary of me. I wouldn’t hurt you.” How very little he understood about me. Darkness knows, he tried, but just didn’t. I never replied and kid reached out brimming with wish to help again, “What can I do? Tell me. There’s nothing I can do about outside, but if it’s here…”

Free me out of here. I don’t care who. I didn’t even bother voicing it, knowing full well how impossible that was. There was nothing tangible that I wanted. I shook my head and finally forced the tongue to move, “I just want to sleep.” In the Darkness eternal, if possible…

“Right. Sleep it off. Good call,” he got off and offered me a hand which I didn’t take.

“Alone.”

He considered and eventually nodded. Midget looked older, somehow. Black bags under the eyes did that to people. Was he perhaps waiting for me to comeback throughout the night? It was not unlikely… Given the way I showed up the last time. Brat wasn’t a bad guy. I was, crossing those few dubious limits with him. Ugh. Thinking about it in circles only drove me deeper into despair.

“Come to me anytime you want. I won’t lock it,” kiddo said. I nodded, but had no intention to act on it. I climbed up to my old ceilingmost rack and closed up. Darkness… Didn’t choke me as it used to. Bad things could happen in the light, too, after all. My brain didn’t know which alarms to sound anymore. I laid there, slightly disoriented and perhaps still quite intoxicated.

A familiar scent reached my nostrils. Somebody has been using the bunk in my absence. And I knew exactly who. Yes, we were nearly identical, but not completely. Like the squiggles in the inner ear, different eyebrow thickness, hairline. You had to look for it very carefully, but they were there. Same with the scent. I could not feel my own. I could instantly tell theirs when they got too close. And this smell I have missed. Scent of dust, as if he’s been crouching in the corners to hide from others. Longed for it. I was surprised to still find it faintly lingering around for so long. Or… did he come here on his own? To… Wait for me? To feel closer…

Shook my head and got rid of the unformed ideas before they took root. Why was I torturing myself? That man was indeed a ghost that haunted me.

Regardless, I was too weak to resist the call. It was all just too perfect. Dream was still vivid in my head, too. What did he call me?

My Light.

Slightly less apathetic voice than always. What would he sound like if Solitude dropped that indifferent act? I guess everybody but me knew by now. Those honest, simple black eyes. What would his aroused face look like, what expression would he make? I never properly saw it. Though. I did, didn’t I? Something that I wanted to forever extinguish from my mind.

As I was slowly working my way into some better place, solid green mocking glare sneaked up on me. They violently forced the black eyes out and took over. Indeed. Those memories were way more recent and powerful than fragments of imagination. I shuddered in revulsion. Why does he have to be even in my most private moments? I couldn’t escape that creature anywhere. Forget reality, he was even in my head now. It was uncomfortable enough to use Solitude as a source of this foul pleasure that my body still managed to crave for. Now, it was plainly degrading to recall last two nights and be still hard about it. What the hell was happening to my mind? My body?